Jessie Goes to Beijing

Not a take off of Debbie Does Dallas, I assure you.
So the news is in, I'm returning to the motherland, and that means that this blog is going to get more play than it has been lately.

Unlike me, who will be getting less play than i have been lately (sorry dad, oma still can't read the blog...)

Yes, I'm aware that the blog's most avid fans will likely be my parents, but as they are two of the most important people in my life I'm okay with that (hi mom, hi dad *geeky wave*), and as theyre the two that like to hear from me the most it's only apropos.

Now on to what i've been contemplating today while packing (by packing i mean, sitting at my laptop with a cup of tea stealing glances at my pile of things, spread across the floor of the apartment). In saying my goodbyes I've come to value silence over words. When i begin the whole "like, im leaving and want to tell you how much you mean to me" thing, I flounder about and never really get at what i'm trying to say. I try to build up to the big thing that i want to say with other 'clarifying' explanations of my feelings, and then end up stuck in the 'clarifications' without ever reaching what it is i'm attempting to clarify (pointless much?). So I've come to feel, why muck about trying to move ever so tactfully through the mire of emotions when focusing on the moment and companionship will likely bear better fruit? Can we ever really impart to another individual an exact meaning anyway? Words that hold specific emotions for me may hold a completely different set of emotions for someone else, regardless of the broader meaning. If i verbalize an emotion it's not guaranteed that what my listener hears will hold my intended meaning, will make them feel whatever way i want them to feel anyway. In that regard I've also come to feel as though my attempts at telling my loved ones that i love them is a little selfish- not all the time mind you, but at least currently. I feel better, more secure, more validated even if i feel i've made it clear to those i love how much i love them. It's almost as if i'm trying to elbow some room for myself inside of the people i love. Lame.

Which is why i've opted for some silence, which i like a lot. When it comes down to it after all of the mitigating emotions that make me feel as though this relationship or that relationship differs in this way or that way (blahblahblibbityblah) all that i'm really trying to say to anyone is "i appreciate you, and i know when i see you again i'll be happy".

jess.