One Now, Some Sometimes'

I now spend all of my time in the kitchen, either cooking, cleaning, or sitting at our large drop down wooden ironing board writing.

Sometimes, when i lean over my computer looking for a particular song, i get distracted by 8tracks, proceed to check up on my messages, look at genderfork, remember in a sharp slap of memory which song i wanted and then (to avoid this lengthy process again) end up putting together a playlist- i then become so engrossed that i forget i'm in my kitchen leaning over a chair to look into the monitor. As i stand up and turn around, somehow i find myself thinking that because i've been so distracted all the dishes will be done. I am, thus far, always mistaken.

Sometimes when i drive around LA i feel like i'm in a videogame. This has become more frequent since they put out that Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas video game.

Sometimes i wonder if anyone reads this, and if they do, what they (you?) glean from it.

Sometimes I listen to The Fugees.

Sometimes i listen to covers of Radiohead, which i try to locate to put into my blog, only to fail.

love&light

jess

Touchdown.

Coming to you live from sunny SoCal, these words are tinged slightly with nostalgia, motivation, raindrops, jetlag, hot tea, cool nights, reflection, longing, decisiveness, and indecision.

After quite the long trek across many seas, one ocean, and three continents (via one train ride and three flights), I find myself writing to all of you from the living room of my maternal home, sitting on a couch struggling to revel in solitude while all i am able to honestly manage is jostled. Every item, every room, every street, every vista in my current proximity is imbued with teeming memories, each flush against the next, slightly overlapped, individual moments reflecting from different pairs of my own eyes. It's so interesting to come back after such a long time, especially interesting after seeing something new everyday for so many day, for suddenly seeing so many familiar things is making me feel...claustrophobic? No, that's not quite right. I'm feeling the presence of myself quite acutely, tangibly- more acutely than i have in quite a while. The presence, that is, of the selves of many yesterdays. The presence of my past persons is palpable in the memories of the spaces around me. My couch remembers, the driveway remembers, the tangerine tree, the street signs, the clear air on the mountains at 6 after rain knows a me from each day of the last 15 years. Sitting or standing, walking down paths well worn by my own feet, I can't help but feel like a flip-book jessie, one single in a sequence forming a complete picture only when viewed in context and in motion.

This is the mindset that I'm coming to you from.

Surveying my audience from this mood, what can i possibly share with you? What kinds of reflections on India are possible at this juncture?

For an overview and in the neighborhood of brevity, India was a country to be reckoned with, an experience that lingers like 3am on my hands. Multitudinous experiences touching such a variety of nerves that eventually a system re-set of perceptions, emotions, and reactions was achieved. I shall not forget the role of China, who had a heavy hand in this as well- it's accurate to say that the process of re-assemblage completed by India was only possible after the disassembly artfully undertaken by China. Disassembly is a slow and painful process, the strip down of desires, impulses, and duality related attachments/concepts done more by force than choice; reassembly, on the other hand, was comparatively pleasant while equally momentous.

Today I am talking entirely about inner processes initiated and pushed to fruitation mostly by (what appeared at the time to be) outer forces. I better understand the myriad of ways people build up the experience of india; the skepticism and confusion previously admitted to have been, at least in some ways, relieved and sated. I leave you at this time with the previously revealed reflections, to return to you on a later date with more concrete relations of events and occurences, more clearly defined perceptions, more sensically wrought musings.

Sweet dreams.

love&light
jess

Inspirations Through Actions.

I love doing things that inspire people and I love people that do inspiring things.

I always remember when I see someone who does something that I’ve been scared to do in the past- or even something that I never thought I could do, or something I’ve never thought to do at all. I remember the first time I saw someone in China use a plastic bag as a to-go container for soup. I remember the first time I saw an old wine bottle with a cork used as a water bottle, and I remember the first time I saw a tourist teach and Indian child how to juggle. Seeing these things makes a big impression on me for two reasons; on a small scale I want to do this thing but have never had the courage, but on a bigger and more important scale I am impressed to be a person that emboldens others to do things they thought they couldn’t (or shouldn’t). Do you get what I’m getting at? I love trailblazers not only because they make something new accessible, but because they create new trailblazers in their wake. It’s always best to lead by example, as we’re told- and this is something in which I firmly believe.

There are some things in my life which have become points of inspiration for others. I’m not saying this to brag, I’m saying this because there are a lot of things that I’ve gotten over my fear of doing, and a lot of these things are rather outside society’s current conception of what you can and can’t do. One of these things is my traveling, at a young age and on my own dollar. I know that when people talk to me and hear about my travels, it allows them to think about travel and their life plan in a different (hopefully more malleable and accessible) way. Another thing is my veganism. I now need two hands to count the people in my life who have gone vegan (or are in the process, starting with vegetarianism) merely because of being around me and seeing me do it day in and day out. Because I live it, and because I love it while I’m doing it, people get to see that it’s not an arduous and difficult lifestyle. And of course, I’ll always remember the person who first inspired me to take the step to make that choice in my own life. Recently, I get to add something new to the list, something that I needed to be inspired and re-inspired multiple times to do.

I’ve shaved my head. And, aside from a bevy of compliments that I really didn’t anticipate, I’ve already had two different women tell me that though they’ve always wanted to shave their heads, they haven’t been able to find the courage- though after seeing me they are changing their minds.

That really means a lot to me, and it reinforces the idea that everything I do I do not only for myself, I do for others as well.

A big thank you to all those women I've seen who took the plunge first, enabling and empowering me to do it myself.

love&light
Jess

Addendum.

Addendum

This post is an addendum to the previous post, Ambassadors, Hetero Men, and Ambassadors who are Hetero Men.

It is undeniable that the vast majority of individuals perceive themselves as heterosexual and project this self perception into the world. This, and the generally accepted power structures inherent within heterosexual relationships, are the main reasons that the most common form of street harassment occurs across the hetero male to female spectrum. This is definitely not to say that I, as a female, have never been harassed by women who perceived me as a woman, by men who perceived me as male, by genderqueers, by androgyns, or by any other of the wide spectrum of genders there are to choose from. I want to make it clear that I’m not saying, within this piece, that the only harassment that occurs is perpetrated by hetero men who are overly aggressive to women, or that men harassing women is the only kind of harassment that is truly harmful (or even that gay men do not harass hetero women, or gay women, or…). All attention that is unwanted or causes the recipient to feel uncomfortable is harmful, not matter which two individuals it is between.

I chose the example used in Ambassadors/Men because they are my most recent encounters; it’s important for me to note that in southern India I was sexually harassed by a woman. That’s right- in India, land of heteronormativity, I was propositioned in my hotel room by an Indian woman. If it’s sexual harassment, you name it and I’ve likely seen it- once you make the leap into gay/lesbian/bisexual/pansexual/asexual you start to get all kinds of wickedly odd harassment you don’t encounter as a practicing heterosexual (or a closeted queer). Not to mention the difficulties that lie in the grounds of genderqueer, trans, or androgyn.

So in summation, all harassment is equally damaging and some groups have the poor luck to have misogyny, homophobia, or just straight up hate/disgust mixed in with their particular lot.

Can’t we all just get along?

Love&light
jess

Mother India, as She is known.

It’s 6:11pm and the sound of prayer bells is sweeping in through my windows, from across the waters of the Ganges. The scent of firesmoke drifts in from a cooking fire made by the workers across the way, and voices are echoing off the hills. It’s gotten a bit chill, so I’m wrapped up the blanket/shawl that I’ve bought to replace my thinner one.

All in all, it’s a beautiful time to be in India.

One of the things that I’m trying to uncover is what I think of India, or even what I think of the city that I’ve been laid up in for the past two weeks, Rishikesh. Before you come to India you hear many things- that India is amazing, a country of sights, sounds and textures; that India is inexplicable, that you have to experience it; that India is a rollercoaster of emotional episodes, from deep deep love to horror and pain; that India will bring you closer to your real self than you ever were before; that India is a land defined by her people, who are defined by nothing. So many things, from friends, travelogues, books, from everywhere. So many people have said, in different ways, that India will tear away all that you thought was true and replace it with an idea that is closer to who you really are, and how you really perceive the world.

But what the hell does that mean?

I’ve been pretty wary, after all of these 'sunshine and light' style comments, about deciding on anything that has been presented to me in India. I judge things pretty slowly anyway- and I think a lot of those statements have been made by people moving to India directly from a privileged, first world country- even the poorest of the poor in the states have many things that those in India can only dream of. When you move from your bubble into something so utterly and inconceivably different, it's only natural that you're going to rexamine your values and the very way you look at and interact with the world. Coming from China, and having been to some of her smallest villages, I think that I was spared this initial shock at the visceral nature of life in the thirld world. Yes, Indians live out their daily lives in full view of everyone else, yes their culture is in your face and unabashed, yes a lot of it is below standards considered safe or hygenic in the states, but for all intents and purposes, it is in many other places as well- southern China, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam…

Why then of all of these south asian countries is India singled out as this megalith of spiritual awakening and self realization? I still don’t know. It cannot be that the traveler to India is a different traveler all together- most travelers I have met here have also run the usual southeast asian gambit (Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Malaysia…). It might be that they are seeking different things, but I’ve met both the spiritual seeker who has gone only to Thailand and the average site seeing tourist come to India. What is it about this country that breeds this reaction, and breeds it so heavily across the board?

Anyone have any idea? I’m still considering the issue.

love&light
Jess